{This post is based on my popular podcast episode, but now in written form.}
Many of us have phrases that we are repeating in our heads over and over again that are not only healthy, but lies that we are believing in about ourselves. We don’t think much of this because it feels normal. But I want to encourage you today to listen closely to the thoughts and phrases in your mind that you are saying about yourself and ask yourself, are these healthy thoughts and are they really true?
So let me tell you the 5 main lies I’m removing from my vocabulary right now:
1. I’m a failure
This lie hits me on all fronts of my life: I’m a failure as a friend because I don’t connect with others as much as I feel I should. I’m a failure of a wife because I don’t always give my husband the time and attention our relationship deserves. I’m a failure of a mom because I’m happier with them being in school than having them home with me. I’m a failure as a coach because I’ve had some unsuccessful launches and nobody signed up.
Failure is tricky, because although you may experience a failed moment in your life—or maybe subsequent failures—this does not mean You ARE a failure. There’s a difference. Saying “I am a failure” hits your identity instead of saying, “Well, I failed at that but it doesn’t mean I’m a failure.”
The truth is, our failures lead us toward our greatest successes if we choose to live in this truth. Thomas Edison, said “I didn’t fail 1,000 times. The light bulb was an invention with 1,000 steps.” “Great success is built on failure, frustration, even catastrophy.” Thomas Edison also did not speak until he was 4-years-old and did not read until he was 7. Although to the external eye people would have probably thought he was a failure, he turned out to be one of the leading inventors of this century because he refused to see his “failures” as actual failures, but instead saw it as the potential to taking another step in the right direction toward the destination, hope or desire that he wanted to go.
We can also have wrong interpretations of failure based on what society pressures us to believe. We are a failure for having post-partum depression and have to take medication to overcome these feelings so we can take care of our kids better. Do you see how silly that sounds? You are actually a living success by recognizing your limitations, seeing that you need help in this season as a mom struggling with depression, and decide to take medication so you can be healthy, take care of your kids, and thrive instead of just surviving. Instead of taking your life like some young moms have done because they are extremely depressed after having their kids and they feel the guilt and shame of it, maybe it’s better for you if you hire someone to watch your kids and maybe you even go back to work for a while to get your mind more healthy again? Maybe you never went to college but it doesn’t mean you don’t have the skills to create a business from scratch or that you don’t have the capabilities of doing something like this because you don’t have “credentials” whatever that means anymore. Do you see what I mean?
The tricky part is, even if you are failing at things, you won’t change unless you start changing the way you think and speak to yourself. Meaning, if you’re always telling yourself, “I never get the laundry finished” then, you will never get the laundry finished! But there’s something powerful about stating out-loud what you want to be instead or what you want to complete. By saying, “I always finish the laundry by the 2nd day of working on it” (because lets give ourselves a bit of grace too people by not saying the day of) then your brain with automatically shift into completing this thing because you don’t want to lie to yourself. It’s hard to say that you did something or are going to do something and not actually do it.
What many people don’t know is that I’ve failed, a LOT in my life. In fact, my book Refine & Restore that releases October 8th is FULL of some of my greatest failures and sin areas of my life, and yet I didn’t let that determine my identity. I allowed those things to refine me and restore my heart back toward the truth: that I am loved by God and I have a purpose in this world.
2. I’m a bad mom for pursuing my passions and gifts outside of motherhood
I used to feel guilty that I have creative talents and gifts outside of motherhood that I like to pursue. Now, while there is NOTHING WRONG with women who feel their primary role and talent is to steward their children full-time in their home, homeschooling, or keeping up with their activities, for ME it’s been different. God has wired me differently and I’m the kind of mom that loves her kids and stewards them to an extent, but I have found creative passions outside of motherhood that I feel God wants me to pursue with Him: which has been writing books, coaching aspiring authors, creating new programs or products online, and speaking at conferences or workshops. Do my kids hate that their mom has these other creative passions and focuses some of her time and energy into these instead of them? NO! In fact, they’ve continued to cheer me on with my work (at least of what they know about what I do) and have shown how much they love their mommy doing what she feels she’s been called to do with God right now.
Now, there is a balance. Or should I say, pseudo balance. Nothing is ever perfectly balanced. I am always assessing my time and whether or not I’m spending enough quality time with them so they feel loved and cared for, while also spending enough time to cultivate and expand my business and creative gifts into the world. But to believe that I’m a bad mom for pursuing my passions and gifts outside of motherhood is a lie that I’m casting aside and restoring with the truth: God has created these passions and gifts inside of me to be used for His glory in AND outside of motherhood.
3. I will never lose the extra weight and get healthy.
So, after becoming a mom to not just one but two babies mind you, and then getting pregnant and having another baby 19 months later where I gained 60 pounds ya’ll, it has been a STRUGGLE to lose that last 20 and gain the muscle that I’ve lost since my pre-baby days.
Now…I get it. If you’ve seen pictures of me online, or even seen me in person, I know I’m not super heavy. And I hide this extra 20 pounds pretty well with how I dress. But it’s also not a bad thing for me to want to get more healthy and fit so I can have more energy and fit into my skinny pants again that I LOVE so much and paid so much money for, amen?
So, I’m removing the lie that says I will never lose the extra weight I’m carrying and get healthy again because I’m too busy to focus on myself. Friends, you can do this. You can remove this lie too and start setting up small baby steps to achieving the success you want.
For me, it started with walking over the past several months and now entering back into 30 minute workouts 3-4 times per week. Nothing crazy, yet I am seeing the difference in my mental stamina, the energy in my body, and I am definitely feeling it in my glutes again with those quad exercises! I’m on a healthy eating plan and am making progress toward my goal! I’m not obsessing about it but just staying steady with it and remembering that I’m doing this so I can run, jump, and play with my kids for the long haul!
4. It’s wrong to want to make a big impact on the world.
I’ve wrestled with this thought so incredibly much. And I’ve finally felt some clarity over the past year and a peace as to what I understand to actually be true.
You see, I’ve continued to feel guilty that I want to make a big impact for the world. Because it makes it sound prideful, like I want the attention for myself. Although this can and has happened where I’ve had to repent and come back to the stance of realizing that everything I do needs to have the focus of my Creator in mind–that it’s for His glory not my own.
Also, wanting to make a big impact doesn’t mean that the seemingly “smaller” roles I have in my life are not as important or impactful. I want to make a big impact in my kids life and my friends lives as well. I want to steward their hearts to understand their creative gifts, talents, and passions. I want them to have the confidence to step out in faith and pursue some of the wild adventures God has invited them into with Him. However, there’s nothing wrong with the opposite: staying small and creating impact in less spread out ways.
Maybe the impact you will have will be deeply saturated but within a very small circle in the community around you? This isn’t any less important than ones that take on a larger reach, but perhaps not as deeply saturated. Do you see what I mean? It goes back to the verse in 1 Corinthians 12:22 that says “In fact, some parts of the body that seem weakest and least important are actually the most necessary.” It’s talking about how we all have been given unique gifts, characteristics, and roles to play in this world. And while maybe you are the eye you are no less important than the hand because we all have to work together within our gifts and the role God has given us to be effective in this world as a body of beleivers. Not one is more important than another. So saying you want to make a big impact in the world isn’t wrong, I think deep down we ALL want this. And if we ALL want this, then we must remember to work together as a whole so that we ALL can be celebrated and utilize our gifts in the way that is most impactful for the circumstances and situations we have been given.
I’m also an Enneagram 3. Enough said.
5. I can’t change and grow from my original focus (new seasons call for new transitions)
I still remember seeing a post by Donald Miller of a comment he received from someone. If you don’t know Donald Miller, he is an author that started writing spiritual memoir-types of books which impacted thousands of lives, but multiple years later he has found himself to be an excellent businessman founding the company Storybrand which has changed thousands of people’s lives and impacted companies across the globe. But, someone commented, “I wish you would go back to writing your spiritual memoir books. I liked you better then.”
Donald proceeded to say how growth in life is a process. That while he loved his season of writing books on the spiritual category, a new season began where he became passionate about business and helping branding for businesses. He realized while God had him impacting others for a season in one way, he could change and grow and follow where his passions went for the next season. While this person didn’t like this change and shift, you need to know that it is OKAY, in fact MORE THAN OKAY to change and grow from your original focus or path if you feel God is propelling you to do so. It’s OKAY to do something for a season and realize that you are being called to something else for another season.
I’m going to be honest in that I feel myself split a bit in this season. While I LOVE impacting others through spiritual and personal growth, I also have a strong desire to coach others through business strategy and growth. And maybe I don’t have to choose but instead I can do both: spiritual and personal growth writing AND helping women pursue their passions and start small businesses to impact His Kingdom while providing for their family.
You may start seeing a few subtle changes over the next year as I start growing into this area of interest as well, but I see it more of a blending of who I am and embracing the fact that I am multi-creative, multi-passionate and eclectic in my ideas which can still work together in harmony with one another unlike what some people might say or believe.
One thing I assure you will never change though: sharing my passion and love for Jesus in everything I do.
I hope you gain the courage to overcome the lies you’re believing in about yourself, too. It won’t happen overnight. But over time, moment by moment, you can reclaim the truth of who you really are and live into that freedom you are meant to live in right now.
Need a powerful tool to help you overcome the lies you’re believing about yourself and restore the truth of your identity through the power of Scripture? I invite you to grab the Refine and Restore Your Heart and Soul journal that walks you through Psalms and select Proverbs in the Bible to help you understand the truth of God’s identity which in turn will help you understand the truth of your identity. Think of it as an interactive devotional journal in which hundreds of people have found hope and healing from. And now, it’s your turn. Just look up Refine and Restore Your Heart and Soul Journal on Amazon and grab your copy today! In fact, feel free to throw in a copy of my book Refine & Restore: Revive Your Heart Release Your Purpose which releases October 8th and then go to refineandrestore.com to claim your preorder gifts as well! Let’s refine away the lies holding us back and restore our hearts and minds back to what is true.
