It’s my nieces birthday today. She would have been 19.
She left this earth a little over a year ago. She struggled with a mental disorder and depression issues. She took her life as a result.
I still get sad whenever I think of her being gone. I actually get more sad as I think about my sister who lost her daughter sooner than expected. We all miss her fiercely. Yet there is a hope that we will see her again someday.
In honor of her birthday, I wanted to share my poem that I wrote shortly after her death as a memory of who she was and how much I loved and still love this girl. She was a growing woman of poise, striking beauty, and had one of the most generous hearts I’ve ever seen.
I love you Lexi. You auntie Rachel misses you deeper than words can express. I pray you are at peace now and enjoying the heavenly realm with the King of Kings, Lord of Lords, our Father in Heaven.
I remember when I first saw you, a blessing, my first little niece,
A tiny pink beauty with an angelic face, sweet babe that I knew had a piece
of my heart that would last eternally. Such tiny wiggly toes,
a head of shiny chestnut hair and a bitty button nose.
I held you in my arms never wanting to let you go,
as I sat there on our blue faded couch for two hours or so,
you slept so peacefully and sound, a mind with no worries at all.
I knew in that moment that you gifted me with knowing one day, motherhood was my call.
I watched you grow as you lived with us for a special season and time,
while my sister, your sweet momma, went to college so she could find
a suitable job to provide for you and get herself back on her own two feet.
Her hard work paid off, a hygienist she became, with her studies finally complete.
Me in high school now I would babysit you—you still young and immature,
I remember when you pointed out a picture of me, a shy petite toddler you were,
your eyes lit up as you looked at my photo book, excitedly saying “Lexi, Lexi!”
I must admit, we looked much alike when we were both just three.
And then your mom met the one you would know and call daddy your whole life,
who would love and cherish you as much as his new wife,
and although I missed having you live with my parents and I; our home to you when young,
I had no doubt our little princess would excel in her new kingdom.
And excel you did. Miss studious of books and school, GPA of 4.2,
Scholar athlete in tennis, master chef in the kitchen, full ride to college too.
You had a stunning beauty about you, both inside and out that’s rare,
Nurturing and sweet in spirit, a billowing broad mane of hair.
Oh how I wish you saw what others envied so much about you,
From beauty, brains to family, you had it all; all vanished too soon.
The war you struggled with, we never knew fully how severe,
You hid too well, and now your gone. How I wish you were still here.
And though you’ll never know what its like to one day wear white.
Or feel the beating in your womb; creation of new life.
I know you lived a short life full, now smiling from above
Because your free from earths agony, in Gods arms of love.
And though my heart aches with pain at the thought of who you’ll never be,
Never mommy, wife or grandma of your future family,
You experienced what you needed according to Gods will,
I put trust and faith in knowing that it was now your time to still.
Your now our Angel from up high shining down on us each day,
same smoldering ice blue eyes you have but with a twinkle that might say,
“Have peace in your heart, my pains are finally at rest in the glories of Heaven,
I will see you again one day soon until then keep following seven (God).”
Until that time comes I have no doubt I will always remember thee,
My wounds are raw, but a scar will form in time to help me be
feeling less pain than at this moment, although never fully healed.
I pray to God help bind the wounds that are never fully sealed.
I look forward to seeing your smiling face one day when I lay down to sleep,
my body gone from this world of beauty, albeit worldly pains that run down deep,
to finally enjoy the freedom from worldly sorrows and toils and tragedies met,
But it’s not my time, I’ve still life to live. Not yet…my Lord not yet.
– In Loving Memory from your Auntie Rachel
“But to all who did receive Him, who believed in His name, he gave the right to become children of God.” (John 1:12)