{This is one of the most life-changing spiritual growth concepts Gods ever shared with me.}
“Mommy, can you cuddle?”
Such sweet, sweet words, echoed by my nearly five-year-old twins. And yet tonight this request rubbed on my raw emotions with such annoyance.
But, down between the loft beds I went. On the hard ground with my head cushioned on a decorative pillow that’s been there the last several nights.
My hearts not in the right place. I know I’ll miss this someday.
“Anyone want to pray, or do you want mommy to pray?”
“Mommy pray” they both chimed.
I start at the minutia of prayer requests, but quickly go straight to the pressing tension on my heart, asking for peace and for it to be made whole once again. To love my children better. To let go of the desire I have to control my evenings over my kids controlling them. There’s so much work I need to do, feel called to do, excited to do, and yet I need to remember God is in control. My time with them now is important. Therefore, I have nothing to fear. I have nothing to be anxious about.
My prayers trail and within a few minutes, a dark tiny shadow with a blanket trailing behind comes into the room and lays down next to me. My daughter, without making one peep, curls against me on the hard ground while sucking her thumb.
I exhale feeling my heart soften with her gently embrace. I know I’ll miss this someday.
“Amen” I quietly close. Nobody chimed in tonight with their own “amen” as it was one of those rare nights where the call for quiet was louder than their inner call for play.
Eventually I would make my way down stairs, start picking up the kitchen…but I couldn’t keep going. Why is my heart so heavy? Why are my eyes pricked with tears?
Grabbing my computer, a blanket, and ice water I plant myself on the couch to write. Process. This is how I sort through my thoughts. Writing out words until the inner cord in me makes sense.
Oftentimes I have a journal to do that for me. But tonight…
Tonight, you’re joining me on this quick journey where my tension is. Because I know I’m not the only one. There’s someone else out there in this tension too who needs to know…you’re not alone.
There is a deep energy in me that knows I’m built to create. To inspire others to grow in their faith. To help them toward the path God invited me onto five years ago to experience deeper personal and spiritual growth. There are big things in store for this community which I’m mapping out with God right now. I’m just one of these people: a visionary, a dreamer, a doer, which doesn’t always go well with motherhood.
Motherhood can feel so stifling at times to this other part of me God has created me to be and yet, I know this is a lie. Feelings aren’t always based on truth.
Raising these tiny humans is one of the many God-given roles I’ve been gifted to do. For some, this is THE role.
But for others, like me, it is a shared role for the other things I feel I’ve been gifted to do and things God is inviting me into at this time.
So many times over the past two years since it’s birth, I’ve laid down this dream—building a community here at Refine & Restore to inspire you (and others) to a deeper, more intimate relationship with Jesus, refining and restoring your heart, which in turn, will propel you to run hard after your dreams with Him—and yet God continues to tell me to pick it back up again. I keep laying this dream down because, the truth is, I’m not sure I can do all this. I’m scared I’m going to fail as a mom, a wife, a leader, writer, and speaker, and a friend. And you know what, I probably will. Heck, I fail everyday as a mom.
However, failure is not to define me, it is to refine me. God can always right any failure to be used for His glory.
But this fear of failure keeps creeping in on me…
I get frustrated that I don’t have as much time as I’d like to work on this dream of compelling others to live a life of walking on water with Jesus. To love Him deeply the way I love Him.
I get frustrated that I don’t have as much time as I’d like, to be the kind of mom for my kids I want to be. To love on them fully like some of my other stay-at-home-mommy friends.
I get frustrated that I don’t have as much time to have date nights with my husband. To cherish his heart and listen to his dreams the way he dutifully listens to mine.
God shared something with me a few months back which rocked me. A spiritual growth concept that’s completely changed my life. And I’ve been holding onto it ever sense, especially through the ups and down adventure He’s had me on lately.
Just take care of the two fish and five loaves, let Him do the rest.
We are not meant to feed the multitudes. We are not meant to do it all. If we were, would there be any need for Jesus?
These things—raising my family, loving my husband, writing and speaking, building a ministry—are impossible to manage well on my own. It’s why many times when I feel I’m carrying too much, I lay it down at His feet—specifically this ministry and writing task. But, I continue to sense Him telling me to pick it back up. Which is the only reason I continue to move forward in this soul-fueling, but also extremely hard calling as a writer and ministry leader.
There will be times and seasons when indeed God wants us to lay something down. And yet, He might tell you to pick up your cross. To do the good work He has called you to do.
This really is a good and holy work too my friend. Raising tiny humans. Loving our husbands. Building a ministry. Working for His glory in whatever we are called to do.
I love it. All of it. But sometimes, it all seems to be too much, right?
Because parenting is hard. Marriage is hard. Ministry work is HARD. Life in general is all HARD. The combination of it all? Goodness. Can I get an amen?
But friend, don’t give up. This may be your tough season as well where it all feels too much to handle. And to be honest, it is! Which is why you must run to Jesus. You’re not meant to do it alone. He will help you carry the load.
Just bring what little you have and He will bless it. Trust in Him.
