I cried tonight.
Tears fell silently as I studied the boyish features before me—soon there would be a day he won’t need me anymore.
Someday he won’t be whining, “mommy, mommy… can you cuddle?” with pleading eyes and timid words.
I caressed his soft cheek and kissed it tenderly as I lay beside him now, snuggling in deep, surprised by how much my own heart longed for and needed this moment.
The affection.
The touch.
The desire to be… yes, needed… but in a deeper way. More than a “bum” wiper.
My thoughts turned. I suddenly saw a man in the not too distant future before me with stubble from puberty budding through his pores.
The tears flowed.
I stroked his peach-fuzzy arm up and down, up and down, in rhythmic pattern as I listened to his peaceful breathing. Someday the fuzz will turn thick. Dark hair and strong arms will take its place.
His hand now found mine. I enclosed my hand around his small fingers. Sorrow showed up in that moment. Bittersweet emotions rippled through me as I imagined how much sooner it will be when his hands envelop mine. Manhood is but a breath, a whisper away. Yes, even at his ripe ‘ole age of four. With a deep breath, I began soaking up this moment all the more, desperately holding onto the fleeting essence of childhood before me, tucking it away into a priceless memory.
I almost missed this.
Just moments before I was desperate to hurry my kids off to bed so I could be off and do more important things. Like cleaning up dried pasta sauce stuck to the pan from dinner and doing my routine pick-up of the house so I could invest in me time—write, paint my nails, read a book or basically do something (anything) for myself after the never-ending demands of motherhood and adulthood responsibilities consumed me that day.
There’s nothing wrong with investing in ourselves, especially when time to ourselves is few and far between these days (ahem… and showers). But some nights, I’m just done. Retreat is stronger than requisite. My motherhood cap comes off and is not going back on—at least for another 20 minutes. *Sigh*
Tonight, the soft echoes of my name and sweet requests to cuddle by my four year old twins drew me in like fragrant cotton candy at the fair. Requisite quickly won.
My precious momma’s. Our little boys will turn to men. Growth is inevitable. Some days I long for it as I sit and tie another shoe for the 1,297th time. I bet you do too. Wishing them to grow up, become independent, so you can have a warm coffee without microwaving it for the 3rd time that morning. Secretly—or not so secretly—so you can have your “life” back.
Yet, I’m recognizing the more honest truth in this moment—I get my life back as soon as I believe my current one is great and beautiful just as it is.
No more hoping.
No more longing.
No more daydreaming of those days when I can use the bathroom in peace (although that will be nice).
Because I know I will miss this–life filled with beautiful messy chaotic kids and a tornado filled house of toys and date nights in the Jacuzzi with my husband (because it’s easier at times than getting a sitter). It may not look as glamorous as displayed in The Brady Bunch, but… this is real life.
This is my life. Filled with laughter and lamenting, tantrums and teasing, sorrows and snuggles. The ebb and flow, back and forth in a white wash of emotional pulls.
It’s messy.
It’s exhausting.
It makes me want to run away screaming and crying at times.
But it’s also the biggest oxymoron because… MY HEART IS FULL.
A full life is in the loud popping of my boys stomping on the packed stuffing pulled out from Amazon boxes barreling through my door that day. Turning off the lights at night and hearing the light-activated fire truck puzzle sound off a “whooo whooo” signaling us to sleep. Endlessly looking for my boys favorite Contigo water bottles each morning before preschool so they feel that sense of security when I drop them off.
My heart has expanded farther than I ever thought capable when these little men entered my life. My character growing more than I want to at times—painfully. Parenting throws you into a fiery kiln—some days I’m not sure I will survive it.
Tonight I’m lying here, inaudible prayers dancing through my thoughts—safety, passions, purposes to be met—for these boys who call me mommy. First for one boy, then the other as I take turns nuzzling their necks which still smell of fresh baby soap. Aftershave would eventually follow suit.
I cling to my prayer that I will still be needed one day when my boy’s voice turns baritone. I will still be important enough to him when he drives off with that beautiful girl whose laugh tinkles like Tinkerbell and her femininity captivates his heart. I will still be wanted by him… perhaps in a different way, but still wanted… still needed… right? Right?
Well, just in case I’m not, I will respond to his four-year-old calls to snuggle… and treasure the transient moments this season of motherhood brings. Because right now, I’m needed by him, and really… I need him too.
This is beautiful Rachel! And as mommy to 17 and 19 year-old men-boys, I can assure you that you will always be needed. In some ways even more than right now. You are smart to make time to enjoy the moments and take them as blessings… I can’t tell you how fast the years will pass by! Treasure every single one. Stopping by from Hope*Writers 🙂
Beautifully said Rachel! I can’t hold back tears that’s how beautiful this is. This totally hits home. I have 4 daughters and 1 little guy (also 4 years old)!who I absolutt adore. Thank you for sharing your heart and such precious, precious words. They will be with me forever…. ????
Beautifully said, Rachel! This totally hits home. (Tear, tear and more tears!) I have 4 daughters and 1 little guy (also 4 years old) who I’m absolutely crazy about. (Sigh)
Thank you for sharing your heart and such precious, precious words. I will cherish them forever. ????
Thank you so much for sharing Morayma! So glad it spoke to your heart.
hello guos 9128738516
Can I just say what relief to locate one who in fact knows what theyre referring to on the web. You certainly learn how to bring a challenge to light and make it important. The diet should check this out and appreciate this side in the story. I cant believe youre not more popular since you absolutely provide the gift.
tinder app , tinder date https://tinderdatingsiteus.com/
free dating sites https://freedatingsiteall.com
http://bio-catalyst.com/ – order cleocin
omnicef online
[url=http://bio-catalyst.com/]generic suprax[/url] fucidin online
tadalafil pills 20mg: http://tadalafilonline20.com/ tadalafil
what is tadalafil tadalafil online 20
tadalafil daily use
generic pills without a doctor prescription: https://genericwdp.com/ drugs without doctor script
generic pills for sale: https://genericwdp.com/ buying prescription drugs from canada
generic pills without a doctor prescription: https://genericwdp.com/ cheap generic drugs from india
prices of viagra at walmart cheap ed pills from india
ed pills without a doctor prescription
You cant force anyone to love you or lend you money.
Remarkable issues here. I’m very satisfied to see your article.
Thanks so much and I’m looking ahead to touch you.
Will you kindly drop me a e-mail? asmr 0mniartist
This is very fascinating, You are an excessively professional blogger.
I’ve joined your feed and sit up for in the hunt for extra of your
excellent post. Additionally, I have shared your site in my social networks 0mniartist
asmr
When someone writes an article he/she keeps the plan of a user in his/her brain that how a user can be aware of it.
Therefore that’s why this piece of writing is outstdanding.
Thanks! 0mniartist asmr
Your style is unique compared to other folks I have read stuff from.
Thanks for posting when you have the opportunity, Guess I’ll just
book mark this page. 0mniartist asmr
Excellent post. I was checking continuously this weblog and I
am impressed! Very useful information particularly the final phase :
) I deal with such information a lot. I was
looking for this certain info for a very long time.
Thank you and best of luck. 0mniartist asmr
Paragraph writing is also a fun, if you be familiar with
after that you can write or else it is complex to write.
If some one desires expert view regarding running a blog after that i recommend him/her to visit this weblog, Keep up
the nice job.
What’s up to every one, the contents present at this web site are genuinely amazing for people experience,
well, keep up the good work fellows.
Hey! This is my first comment here so I just wanted to give a
quick shout out and tell you I truly enjoy reading your
articles. Can you suggest any other blogs/websites/forums that go over the
same topics? Thanks a ton!
You’re so awesome! I don’t suppose I’ve truly read something like this before.
So great to find somebody with a few genuine thoughts on this
topic. Really.. thank you for starting this up. This web site is something that is
needed on the internet, someone with a little
originality!
What’s up, I want to subscribe for this web site to get most recent updates, so
where can i do it please help.
Fabulous, what a web site it is! This webpage provides valuable data to us, keep it
up.
Hello, i feel that i saw you visited my site thus i came to go back the favor?.I’m attempting to to find
issues to improve my website!I guess its adequate to make
use of some of your ideas!!
It’s a pity you don’t have a donate button! I’d certainly donate to this superb blog!
I suppose for now i’ll settle for book-marking and adding your RSS feed to
my Google account. I look forward to new updates and will share this blog with my
Facebook group. Chat soon!
generic viagra 100mg viagra from canada – order viagra online
generic viagra available
scoliosis
For most recent news you have to go to see world wide web and on internet I found this web site
as a finest web site for most up-to-date updates. scoliosis
buy cialis online viagra: buy cialis doctor cost of tadalafil without insurance
buy cialis tadalafil0 with pay pal
scoliosis
If some one wishes expert view regarding running a blog after that i propose him/her
to go to see this web site, Keep up the nice job. scoliosis
scoliosis
Its such as you learn my thoughts! You appear to grasp so
much approximately this, such as you wrote the e book in it or something.
I think that you can do with a few percent to power the message house a bit, but other than that,
that is wonderful blog. A fantastic read. I will definitely be back.
scoliosis
dating sites
Amazing! This blog looks exactly like my old one! It’s on a totally different topic but it has
pretty much the same layout and design. Wonderful choice of colors!
https://785days.tumblr.com/ dating sites
dating sites
Hi there this is somewhat of off topic but I was wondering if blogs use
WYSIWYG editors or if you have to manually code with HTML. I’m starting a blog soon but have no coding expertise so I wanted to get guidance from someone with experience.
Any help would be enormously appreciated!
free dating sites
Hi there friends, fastidious paragraph and fastidious
urging commented at this place, I am genuinely enjoying
by these.
Somebody necessarily help to make significantly articles I would state.
This is the very first time I frequented your web page and up
to now? I surprised with the analysis you made to create this particular put up
extraordinary. Fantastic process!
Hmm is anyone else having problems with the
images on this blog loading? I’m trying to find out if its a problem on my end or if it’s the blog.
Any feed-back would be greatly appreciated.
I’m more than happy to discover this website. I wanted to thank you for ones
time just for this fantastic read!! I definitely savored every part of it and I have you book marked to look at new things on your web site.
Hey very nice blog!
Thank you for the auspicious writeup. It actually used to be a
entertainment account it. Look complex to far delivered agreeable from
you! By the way, how can we be in contact?
I loved as much as you will receive carried out right here.
The sketch is tasteful, your authored material stylish.
nonetheless, you command get got an shakiness over that you
wish be delivering the following. unwell unquestionably come more formerly again since exactly the same
nearly very often inside case you shield this hike.
I’ll immediately seize your rss as I can not to find
your e-mail subscription hyperlink or newsletter service.
Do you have any? Please allow me understand so that I could subscribe.
Thanks.
Hello! I could have sworn I’ve visited this blog before but after going through some of the articles
I realized it’s new to me. Anyways, I’m definitely delighted I came across it and I’ll be bookmarking
it and checking back regularly!
You need to be a part of a contest for one of the finest websites on the web.
I’m going to recommend this site!
viagra over the counter walmart https://viagrabng.online/# how much is viagra
Yourdollには、あらゆる体型、サイズ、ジャンルの1000以上のリアルなラブドールの素晴らしいコレクションがあります。 ラブドール アニメ
where can i buy amoxocillin buy amoxicillin – amoxicillin 800 mg price
Hello, I enjoy reading through your article post. I like to write a little comment to support you. Sex Doll Blog
ed and diabetes ed drugs online from canada – canada rx pharmacy world
Hey there! This is my 1st comment here so I just wanted to give a quick shout out and tell you I genuinely enjoy reading through your articles. create your own sex doll
I visited multiple websites but the audio feature for audio songs current at this site is in fact wonderful.| sexy doll https://www.candysexdoll.com/
satoshi kamiya book 3 pdf Musique Youtube Format Wav Gratuitement moxie a zoella book club 2017 noveljennifer mathieu 2017
Casino BarriГЁre SpГ©ctacle Du Dimanche 3fГ©vrier Slots Hack Borderlands 2 Telephone Boulangerie Geant Casino Davezieux
Hello just wanted to give you a quick heads up. The words in your post seem to
be running off the screen in Internet explorer. I’m not sure if this is a format issue or
something to do with browser compatibility but I figured I’d post to let
you know. The design look great though! Hope you get the problem resolved soon. Thanks
EIS Components is the stocking Distributor of XC9572-10PC44C, we specialize in Xilinx all series electronic components. XC9572-10PC44C can be shipped within 24 hours after order. If you have any demands for XC9572-10PC44C, Please kindly submit an RFQ here or send us an email. We will reply you as soon as possible.
Hello to all, the contents present at this
web site are really awesome for people knowledge, well, keep up the good work
fellows.
LPC1837JBD144E is available. We are distributor of NXP Semiconductors / Freescale LPC1837JBD144E. Buy LPC1837JBD144E IC MCU 32BIT 1MB FLASH 144LQFP.
Wonderful site you have here but I was curious about if you knew of any
message boards that cover the same topics discussed
in this article? I’d really like to be a part of group where I can get comments from other knowledgeable individuals
that share the same interest. If you have any suggestions, please let me know.
Thanks a lot!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I really appreciate your efforts and I will be waiting for your further post
thank you once again.
Does your site have a contact page? I’m having trouble locating
it but, I’d like to send you an e-mail. I’ve got some creative ideas for
your blog you might be interested in hearing. Either way, great site and I look forward to seeing it expand
over time.
I’m gone to convey my little brother, that he should
also pay a quick visit this web site on regular basis to
take updated from most up-to-date gossip.
Hi there! I know this is kinda off topic but I was wondering which blog platform are you using
for this website? I’m getting tired of WordPress because I’ve had problems with hackers and I’m looking at options for another platform.
I would be great if you could point me in the direction of a good platform.
I think the admin of this web page is in fact working hard in favor of his
web site, because here every information is quality based stuff.
I am actually delighted to read this blog posts which contains plenty of useful data, thanks for providing such
data.
Hello, yes this article is in fact good and I have learned lot of things from it regarding
blogging. thanks.
This article offers clear idea in support of the new people of blogging, that truly how to do blogging.
Thanks a lot for sharing this with all of us you actually recognize
what you are speaking approximately! Bookmarked.
Please additionally seek advice from my website =). We may have a link exchange arrangement between us
I am not sure where you are getting your information, but
great topic. I needs to spend some time learning
much more or understanding more. Thanks for wonderful info I was looking for this info for my mission.
What’s up to every body, it’s my first pay a visit of this weblog;
this website contains awesome and truly excellent information in support of readers.
Wow, wonderful weblog layout! How long have
you ever been blogging for? you made running
a blog glance easy. The overall glance of your website is excellent, let alone the content material!
I every time used to study article in news papers but now as I am a user of net
thus from now I am using net for articles, thanks to web.
In fact when someone doesn’t be aware of then its up to other people that they will assist, so here it happens.
Tremendous things here. I’m very happy to peer your article.
Thanks so much and I’m having a look forward to contact you.
Will you kindly drop me a mail? quest bars http://bit.ly/3C2tkMR quest bars
Yes! Finally someone writes about a. asmr https://app.gumroad.com/asmr2021/p/best-asmr-online asmr
I am curious to find out what blog system you
are using? I’m experiencing some small security issues with my latest site and I would like to find something
more safeguarded. Do you have any suggestions?
ps4 games https://j.mp/3nkdKIi ps4 games
hi!,I really like your writing so so much! share we be
in contact extra approximately your article on AOL?
I require a specialist on this house to solve my problem.
May be that’s you! Looking forward to look you. cheap flights http://1704milesapart.tumblr.com/ cheap flights
Hello, i feel that i saw you visited my website so i came to go back the prefer?.I am trying to in finding things to improve my site!I assume its
good enough to use some of your ideas!! scoliosis surgery https://0401mm.tumblr.com/ scoliosis surgery
I’m curious to find out what blog system you are using? I’m having some minor
security issues with my latest website and I
would like to find something more risk-free. Do you have any suggestions?
quest bars https://www.iherb.com/search?kw=quest%20bars quest bars
wonderful post, very informative. I ponder why
the opposite experts of this sector don’t notice this.
You must proceed your writing. I’m sure, you have a
great readers’ base already! scoliosis surgery https://coub.com/stories/962966-scoliosis-surgery scoliosis surgery
I know this site presents quality based articles and other material, is there any other web site
which presents such things in quality?
We are a group of volunteers and starting a new scheme in our community.
Your website provided us with valuable info to work on. You have done a formidable job and our entire community will be
thankful to you.
Viagra
Pretty section of content. I simply stumbled upon your site and in accession capital to assert that I get in fact loved account your blog posts.
Any way I’ll be subscribing to your augment and even I
achievement you get admission to constantly rapidly.
how much does viagra cost at walgreens viagra over the counter walgreens when is the best time to take viagra
Hi! This post couldn’t be written any better! Reading this post reminds me of my good old room mate!
He always kept chatting about this. I will forward this post
to him. Pretty sure he will have a good read. Many thanks for sharing!
Thanks for any other informative blog. Where else could I get that type of info written in such an ideal means?
I have a mission that I’m simply now operating on, and
I have been on the glance out for such info.
Hello, this weekend is pleasant for me, for the reason that this time i am reading this great educational
paragraph here at my home.
Great delivery. Great arguments. Keep up the great spirit.
Hello There. I discovered your weblog the use of msn. That is a very
well written article. I will be sure to bookmark it and come back to read more
of your useful information. Thank you for the post.
I’ll certainly return.
Hello there, You’ve done an incredible job. I will definitely digg it and personally suggest to my friends.
I’m confident they will be benefited from this site.
Outstanding story there. What happened after? Good
luck!
you’re in point of fact a excellent webmaster. The website loading
speed is amazing. It sort of feels that you’re doing any distinctive trick.
In addition, The contents are masterpiece. you’ve done a wonderful process on this topic!
Hurrah! Finally I got a webpage from where I can really
take helpful information concerning my study and knowledge.